Wrestling with the dead

Really missing Andy, my late husband, on this trip to the NE. His humor was a great equalizer, and his enthusiasm was contagious.

I guess my spirit is wrestling with him not being here vs me wanting him here.

I had a dream that he was still alive. I went to meet him but there was something off. When I went home I showed pictures of him to Ron (my partner) who said that he wasn't real. Everyone agreed it wasn't Andy, but instead a replica of him.

I was devastated.

Then he showed up and I had to break him apart, tears amd screams ripping through my body. He was mechanical.

But then a woman called and said she had his consciousness downloaded and would create him again, and again, no matter how many times I broke him apart.

Amd fear crept in. He was going to haunt me forever.

And this is my shadow wrestling with grief and guilt and fear of the space he's left in my heart amd soul.

Knowing that incarnations of him in this lifetime will never be him and that I want to destroy him as much as I want to revive him.

And so grief continues in different and surprising ways.

And still the shadow persists.