Breaking the Chains and the Grip of the Emperor.

This is my truth coming out.

I’m honestly struggling so much with breaking a chain of mine, something that’s kept me bound to my fear and frustration for so long.

I’ve wasted so much time in my mind trying to find myself as an authority, respected and seen, in other’s eyes. I’m suffering in this.

I don’t know why I have such a need to be seen as a serious practitioner. I’m still really bitter about spending so much time and money, and doing so well in grad school, only to have the therapist license yanked from me. Also, if we are really honest, I made a bad choice that last year when I was pregnant with Sam. Not doing practicum. I did it to myself, although life certainly didn’t help.

So I’ve chased this idea that if only those who I take seriously could also take me seriously, in my work/career, that I would feel complete.

And that just isn’t happening. They don’t fucking care.

And I’m miserable in this.

And it’s not even who I am. I’m so much more than that.

The truth is that I am the most mutable, able to see “both sides”, able to use all things, creature ever.

I love psychology and all things therapy. I love it like i love the sweetest lover, the one I’ll never leave and that feeds my soul.

And I love all things tarot and spirit and past life and beyond….this feeds my soul.

I want both. I need both. And in our society there isn’t room for both.

So there isn’t room for me.

And so we go round and round.

But I exist, and my dreams exist. My dreams to combine both things in a way that’s respected, loved, and seen.

But in order to release both, I need to release the sorrow and grief of not being with my psych peers. Not being taken seriously. Not being seen.

And I need to release the idea that i need somehow to be weirder than I am to fit in with the wondrous witches among us.

I am both.

I am enough.

I am worthy.

I am loved.

So from now on I unchain myself from the Devil and the Emperor. I will not chain myself to this. I will not be harsh toward myself for not being something that makes sense to either group.

My truth is that I’m incredibly silly, weird, rebellious, connected to spirit, and deeply intelligent. I may not be good at gaining respect but I am in touch with who I am and I love who I am, and that has to be enough. Fuck everything else.

So this is me. This is my wound on display. This is me breaking the idea that I am some kind of “beyond all this fear stuff” guru. That I know how to heal my own wounds. I’m struggling too, just like you may be. And I want so desperately to be able to share what I know. But I just can’t because I’m not invited to, by either group, for I don’t fit into either.

So it goes and so this Aquarian spirit moves on through the fog, stumbling along her own path. This is part of it. Honest good truth, wounds on display. Breaking the image.

I am the Fool.

And I need to get ok with that to start on a new path.