Ask Jen: Do I continue to share things with a mother who doesn't understand my boundaries?
Confused & Lonely / Mother Doesn’t Understand What Boundaries Are
Question: Dear Jen,
It’s been established that my mother is not the best for giving emotional support. She’s also flat out refused to go therapy together to work on our relationship. When I try to use techniques I learn in therapy to set boundaries with my mother to prevent her from saying hurtful things to me, she reacts combatively and refuses to boundary. She says she should be able to talk freely like she always has. I want a relationship with my mom. Most of the time, I don’t have anyone else to confide in or talk to. Sometimes I have questions about my body and she’s a retired nurse so I want to ask her specifics. However, she almost always compares our lives and struggles and outdoes what I’m going through with her own story— leaving me feeling invalidated and minimized. Do I continue to share things with my mom? I don’t have anyone else to share things with.
Dear Confused and Lonely,
This is such a great and nuanced question that I bet a lot of people struggle with. Relationships with our first family (the family we grew up with) are often the most difficult and unbounded relationships. They are also sometimes the people we simultaneously want to be closest with, but also need the most space from. Some of the reasons we need space is due to the lack of boundaries, history of trauma, or simply a refusal to accept or embrace change in ourselves and the other members of the group. Sociology shows us that in-group dynamics are hard to change. It’s quite likely that you play a specific role in your family that benefits your family. Some examples of roles children are forced into can look like:
The Black Sheep: This role allows other family members to feel close while rallying around what how disappointing or troublesome one child can be, while ignoring any issues the family is having and/or ignoring how the family itself has failed to create the environment where the child can bloom and feel safe.
The Achiever: This role allows the family to put all of its stress and anxiety on “making it” onto one child, therefore unburdening the other family member’s shame in not completing their dreams. The family can “save face” by pointing to their child as a success, completely ignoring what the stress of carrying the family’s legacy can do to the child.
The Enabled: This role allows the family to focus on one child as the one they’ll take care of no matter what, often engaging in harmful passive parenting behaviors. This ensures the parent/s may continue to feel as if they are “good parent/s” by permitting behaviors instead of restricting. This often leads to addiction, or other dependent behaviors that cripple the child’s growth.
These are just a few examples of roles that we are forced into by our first families. It would behoove you to identify the role you play in your family’s dynamics. If you can find the role, you’ll find the reason why your mother is so reluctant for change to occur.
All that being said, one major truth in life is that you only have control over yourself. Therefore if you want your relationship with your mother to change, the only part of it you can change is the part that has to do with you. So let’s talk about what you can do for YOU to honor your own boundaries, regardless of your mother.
Let’s talk about boundary setting. A boundary needs to be, above all, clear, and often accompanied by clear consequences. A boundary that’s helpful in understanding your needs may also express your feelings in a kind way. Boundaries also require us to take responsibility for our boundaries in a huge way. The greatest risk to setting a boundary is the risk to yourself: the risk of failing yourself by not sticking to it. Above all, our relationship, our ability to trust ourselves matters most, so before you set a boundary, make sure you’re ready to stick to it.
An example of a good boundary based on your issue with your mother: “When I share my body struggles with you, it makes me feel small and invalidated if you respond with your own story. I know that may not be your intention. I would like to hear your story, but not when I’m sharing mine. What I’m looking for in those moments is _______ (nurturing? comfort? medical advice?) and I really need to receive what I’m looking for, please. In those moments, when you want to tell me your story, can you instead please say “I have a story about this, can I tell you later on?” and we can find a time where you can share with me when I need less _______ (nurturing, advice, etc). Thank you so much for understanding.
If she agrees to this, great. If she doesn’t and just pushes your needs aside, then you can either:
Try to work with her to find some version of this that works for you both.
Add a consequence and stick to it!
I suspect 2 may be what you need to do, as you’ve said that she’s not willing to work within your boundaries. So then, you take your power back by not making any of this about her. Make it about your relationship with yourself, the only relationship you are truly responsible for and must nurture at all costs.
Try adding on this consequence: “If she doesn’t work with me, I will not go to her for advice/or tell my story to her.”
You don’t even have to tell her the consequence, but you can if you like. If you decide to tell her, you can tack it on the end of the boundary you’ve already set. That was she knows the clear consequence of not supporting you in your boundary.
I know this probably isn’t the answer you want, because you want to keep talking to her (I heard the lonely part), however, you cannot have both. You can have a clear boundary that protects you, with a consequence of not talking to her about your problems, or you can continue along with her breaking your boundaries and nothing changing (on her part). There’s no way to change your mother. But you can change yourself. Be aware that first family dynamics are incredibly triggering, and that you may be also taking things extra personally due to the triggers of the dynamics. See if you can separate your sense of self (Self is curious, calm, compassionate) from the triggered parts of you that are activated when she breaks your boundaries. The truth of it is that her issues with your boundaries are not about you, but about her. If you can remember that, and remember who you are through it, you may be able to separate yourself from feeling it so personally, and therefore keep engaging with her despite it all. <3