Ask Jen: How to Stay Positive When it Feels Like Everything's Going Wrong.
Question: “Do you have any advice on staying positive when it feels like everything’s going wrong? Like is there even a way to stay positive when everything is just crappy every day?
-by “Exhausted”
Dear Exhausted,
I know you’ve asked me how to stay positive when it feels like it’s all going wrong, but I have to be honest with you. I’m not sure I know the answer to that. I hate to let you down, but I’m not entirely sure it’s possible to stay positive when everything’s turned to shite. Or if you “should”. The idea of trying to stay positive when things are really hitting the fan causes me anxiety, and brings up some icky feelings of shame and disappointment in myself that I can’t just “will” my way out of it. And that’s a whole cycle I decided to leave a long time ago because it led to nothing but shame and pain.
So while maybe I have nothing to offer you on the altar of positivity, I may have some things to say about leaving that cycle, and why.
Instead of putting more pressure on yourself to be positive, and failing, most likely, because things aren’t great, and feeling negative about not great things is really very human and natural, and ending up in shame because you can’t figure out why you just can’t will yourself out of it, and there must be something wrong with you, try this instead.
Try taking a breath and allowing it to just be shit. Before you jump on me, I’m not saying don’t do anything to improve your situation. On the contrary, do everything IN YOUR POWER to shift. Read that again please…only what you have power over can be shifted. The rest is radical acceptance. Have you heard of radical acceptance? It’s allowing your body to rest and say ok, I’m doing what I can to shift this, but so much is out of my control. I will not worry and I will not fret and I will not get all shaken up over what’s out of my control. Because I’m only ONE PERSON in this whole ass universe, and I’m not in charge of much. So yeah, I will acknowledge that it sucks where I am now, and I will do what we can to fix it. But I will not beat myself up for what’s out of my control. How’s that feel? To me that feels way more human. And I don’t know about you, but I am very very human and I get myself in trouble when I forget that.
Try accepting that you are where you are, and allowing yourself to show up for yourself however you can. Try that instead of the shame cycle that trying to be positive when you’re getting slapped in the face by circumstance brings about. Cause let’s face it; it sucks and that’s just that. No one is happy when they are being punched. Why are you trying to be? Be a little kinder to yourself. It’s ok to get mad even, to be upset by it. You don’t need anyone’s approval. You have a right to your feelings about it. So get sulkier, madder, and allow yourself to feel.
Because I’ll tell you a secret.
What’s exhausting you isn’t the circumstances. Ok, maybe it’s partially the circumstances. But it’s not ALL the circumstances. What’s really pushing you over the edge is you not being kind enough to yourself to feel all your feelings and let it be ok. What’s pushing you close to burnout is you not accepting, and loving yourself where you are in the midst of all the shit. You only have you! Why would you push yourself harder? Be kind, be soft, be gentle, be sweet. To you. Be a light unto yourself. Forget the rest. Seriously, forget the rest.
So put on your pjs, eat some comfort food, allow your head to hit the pillow.
As the wise Mary Oliver says in her poem “Wild Geese”
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your bodylove what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.