A Psychological Breakthrough

I’ve been desperate for awhile now to have a shift from a cognitive-emotional process I’ve noticed. Up until this morning I didn’t really have words for the process. I just knew that it lead to bitterness, or a tight feeling in my chest, and that if I wasn’t careful I would walk around most of the day with this feeling. The only time it really would dissipate would be moments where I was present, or with my clients. I’ve been essentially praying for relief from this feeling.

This morning I had a breakthrough when I caught myself taking a though, (just a though!) I had personally. It wasn’t even something someone else said to me, it was literally just a normal thought I had randomly. I FELT IT moving left in my brain toward the center that activated that “I’m taking it personally” place, and I was able to simultaneously recognize where it was headed, without it activating, and stop it in it’s tracks. I was so fascinated by the ability to do this that it lost all the power it had of momentum.

Then I sat with myself for awhile with my eyes closed, feeling into that place of “I’m taking this personally” with curiosity and love.

I quickly recognized that the “I’m taking it personally” center almost immediately leads to the Bitterness feeling. Then because It’s not acceptable to feel bitter, I switch to desperation. Desperation is better. I can get something from desperation. I can have people take care of me, and I can feel sorry for myself instead of seeing myself as a bitter, ugly mess. But oof, I’m also so ready to be done with desperation. I do not ever want to move from that space! And that’s what happens, I’m activated into movement from personal to bitterness to desperation to movement to get out of this feeling, and I end up moving from desperation.

Ugh wow.

So I sat even further, reaching into that space. I found a desperate part of myself who feels caged. What do you need? I ask. SET ME FREE. she demands. I watch her. She’s wild, she’s wanting more joy, more pleasure, but above all she wants to be seen. Seen and danced with. I recognize the great wound she carries for me, the wound of feeling as if I’m never seen for who I am, and how a part of me locked her away because it hurt too much to continuously be misunderstood and never met. She’s so wild. She’s so free. She wants too much for my system. She wants a different life than I’ve given her. She wants to only follow her dreams, to follow every single whim that comes into her head without abandon. She wants a world that doesn’t exist, that I’ve been unable to give her. A world with no responsibility to anyone but herself, a world where she’s free to just love and love and love and live.

I’ve tried in the past to give her this but she runs too far with it, and then she gets the most hurtful message, the reinforcement from the one she has to live in, me, that she’s too much. That she’s dangerous.

Yet here she is still. Locked up. Desperate. It’s a problem.

I lean into the wise woman part of me, the calm and eternally peaceful part, and ask her how do I balance this.

Buy a boat she says. A kayak. Go by yourself and cry on the water. (I’ve been wanting a kayak forever and ever, but I never get it. I recognize now that I never got it for myself, not because of the money (yes it’s expensive for me but I could manage it), but because it’s THIS part of me that wants it. The wild part. The selfish part. The part that wants to break free. Because it would be a truly selfish act…I’d have to leave my partner behind with my child while I go off on my own. Because I’d be with myself, that part of myself, wrestling with letting her free, wrestling with holding her down, wrestling with all of that, breaking open. But

I know I’ll have to give her what she wants; we can’t go on like this, all locked up and tight chested, bitter and desperate.

I have to let her out to stop this cycle. I have to face her accusations, her panic, her want for something MORE. And the deep deep pain that follows from being unable to have it.

Now the hard work really begins. In addition to letting the pressure off this part of me, I’ll need to work on my thoughts. I notice even now as I write this that the tightness of bitterness is wrapping it’s arms around me, which means that I’ve failed at recognizing that my thoughts are moving from my originating space to “taking it personal”. Now I have to sit with each thought as it comes and try to cut off its legs before it moves left to that space. It’s really, really hard to do so because this is their automatic process. This is the habitual nature of them, and like any habit, it’s going to take hard work and dedication to shift it. I’m not even sure where to send the thought if I catch it rathe than there. I do notice that when I pay attention to the wild self, the bitterness recedes. Interesting. I make a note.

I also recognize this is why I love the work that I do so much…when I’m with a client this process does not happen. I’m fully present and in some liminal space where my intuition and training show up with clarity and no attachment to emotion. It’s a beautiful space of flow. Sometimes after I’ll feel myself moving toward taking something personal that someone said, and then I’ll remember that if I do so I won’t be able to do the work. So I just don’t. Most of the time at least I’m able to escape it.

Maybe some part of my wild self is present with my clients. I don’t think that’s quite right, but maybe it’s wild self adjacent. Like maybe it’s the part of myself that’s trusting myself, and that’s what the wild self part ultimately desires as well, that trust, acceptance, and love that’s present in sessions.

Yes, that feels closer to the truth.

I do want to play with her, but I’m not sure how. I guess I’ll start with the boat. I guess I’ll start with seeing her, acknowledging that I have locked her away, and that she does exist. And that she deserves more, she deserves integration in my system. But first I have to figure out how she can even fit in my system and not blow up my life. That’s step one.

Phew. There’s nothing more satisfying than psychological breakthroughs.