Messy Meditation
I’ve had trouble sleeping now for weeks.
When I have trouble sleeping, I start to panic. So much depends on me getting rest. It makes a huge difference in how I’m able to show up for the many many hats I wear in my daily life. Mother, Counselor, Magician, Guide, Shaman, Partner, Sister, Daughter, Aunt, Friend, Pet Parent, Writer, Seeker, Creatrix. Any given day asks for most of these hats to be worn.
Like everything in life, the answer to this issue requires trying different things, and surrender. I cannot change that I can’t sleep until I find the way to sleep. Surrender to my plight. Then Try Different Things: next on my list will be committing to a daily exercise practice, to getting outside more, to eating dinner earlier and to waking up earlier and going to bed earlier. I already know I’m going to fail at most of these most days until they become a habit or practice. Even then, I’ll fail often enough to want to throw in the towel and give up.
But I won’t.
Because I know this about myself. I know I’ll want to give up, so when my brain tells me to because I’m not doing it perfectly, I’ll say “uh uh. I know better. Let’s keep going instead. We don’t need to be perfect.”
Today I’m thankful for that awareness of my own process.
Today starts my meditation class as well. I’m teaching this class mostly for myself. I want to hold myself accountable to my meditation practice. I hope to help others as I do this as well. I don’t suspect this will be a popular group by any means. Meditation is kind of like the dentist: everyone knows they need to do it but no one actually goes until they are in pain.
Because when we slow down things get hairy.
And when we slow down we can finally examine and stop and look at what in our lives need attention. That can be a terrifying practice for people who have never done that, who are always on the go.
It’s a necessary practice though if you want to improve your inner life, and as a result your outer life.
I think we are taught it goes the other way around. From birth we watch our parents morph and change when eyes are upon them. We are taught the outer life matters most.
It doesn’t.
Nothing can happen in the outer that’s sustainable and GOOD until the inner life is touched and addressed and looked at and cared for. Meditation is the basis of all that work.
My morning meditation today was messy. It involved a needy farmcat licking my hands and feet. It involved my body needing more help than I can give it, medically. It involved my heart activated, my awareness that motherhood for me so often feels like clinging to my son while we are on a burning, collapsing ship. It involved tears. It involved grief. It involved a lot of noisy birds distracting me by their beautiful songs at sunrise. I think I maybe got in a good minute of chalicity, of the kind of meditation that I like to practice, the shamanic kind.
And that’s ok. It’s better than no meditation at all.
I think so often we are so desperate for a quick fix that we forget that most things that advance us spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally in life require real effort, discipline and work. Three of my least favorite words :) if I can do it, anyone can.
Will I see you tonight at Shamanic Meditation? 7:45-8:15pm at Mystic Sanctuary (next to Mystic Bayou).
Come be messy with me.
With love,
Jen