Some Clues and Advice About Toxic Behavior.
This morning I got a text from a friend that read, “I envy your ability to end relationships and stay amicable.” I read the text at 4am, then fell into a dream. The dream was about two old married friends of mine, who I’ve fallen out of grace with. In the dream, I visited their house at their request, and viewed the art they made about me. The art wasn’t necessarily kind; it was complicated at the least. There were boxes painted with their perception of me, as well as an entire book the man wrote. The book was intricate and brilliant (my brain can write best sellers all day long in my sleep).
They asked me how I feel. Nervous, I said. It was true. I was aware of their stiffness. Of their judgement. Of their hostility. I was aware that they wanted me to crawl on my knees. I found myself feeling nervous, but more than anything, dedicated to the truth. It was simple in my body and mind. I was dedicated to the truth, and no exaggeration. Although I couldn’t finish the dream, I was aware that deep healing was occurring in my body. I showed up, even though it was hard. I let myself feel, and I let myself be honest.
TOXIC BEHAVIOR
When a person requires you to crawl on your knees for their benefit.
I think of Mary Oliver’s words at this point, from her poem Wild Geese.
“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”
Anyone who asks you to do more than be honest and kind in a reparative situation is asking too much. Red Flag.
When a person does not respect your request for space.
Not everyone understands space. That’s ok. The Red Flag arrises when you tell someone (notice I did not say ask; you do not ask for what you need when developing boundaries. You tell.) you need space and they contact you anyway. If a person can not give you the time to process what you need to process, then they do not respect you and they do not respect themselves. Red Flag.
When a person says that they will kill themselves if you leave them/don’t talk to them, etc.
You are not responsible for another person or their feelings. The fact that they are making you responsible shows that they believe you to be a savior. You can not be a savior. It’s impossible. You can only save yourself. This is an extremely toxic situation. The best thing to do in this case is to cut off all contact.
There are many, many more.
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One thing that you can do before reengaging in what has been a toxic situation or relationship is ask the person if they are willing to change their opinion of who you are. If they answer in anyway other than a thoughtful yes, don’t even try to engage. Some people are so caught up in their own narratives of who you are that there’s zero room for you to be who you are.
If they say yes though, give yourself the courage and permission to show up, and to start the reparative work of healing. There’s nothing more beautiful than mending old wounds. This is the work your soul is here for. Allow it the chance. Be brave, ask. You may find your heart mending.